Self confidence? 

It’s a weird thing, losing self esteem. I’m not really sure when it started.

When I was young, I remember bouts of happiness and inspiration…I remember thinking I could fly if I wanted to. Normally, I think youth generally encourages the opposite. I remember hearing stories of my middle school friends’ unhappiness and cries for help.  But I could hardly understand what on earth there was to be unhappy about; the sun was more or less ever shining on my days.

Recently, or to be honest, at some vague point over the past three years, I have found myself lost …or at least without a piece of my soul. Staring at the blank faces of people around me throws me into a sort of blankness of my own.

I’ve tried to diagnose it, as any good Hypochondriac…too much technology? Too much time with my boyfriend? Not enough time in the gym? I’ve also tried to treat all of these things.

But nothing works.

I walk around blankly with an ever-present judgemental eye. ‘Oh why does this person care about buying shoes so much?’ ‘What does it matter what color nail polish you want to wear?’ And I don’t know why my soul needs to ask these questions. It takes away from human connections…when I can’t empathize. Where has my empathy gone? Further, where has my self-confidence gone?

I feel anxious, angsty, and blank. I feel unable to enjoy and understand. World, what do I do?

Time…

We are limited.

We are given less than we need.

Time begins running out for each of us the moment we are conceived.

And I think that’s a beautiful thing.

But really…

How can we make the most of it?

As humans, we are naturally striving to better ourselves every day…for the next day.

But how will the next day ever come to exist if we are continuously forging a new idea of what the next day will be?

How can I appreciate taming the Appalachian Mountains if I’m forever looking upward toward the tip of Mount Everest?

I can’t see all that’s behind me if I never stop, turn around, and take a good, hard look back.

But looking eternally back and never preparing for the next hurdle is also problematic.

Because then I’ll never pass one…

In fact…the couch would probably keep me from learning what hurdles even are.

Help, guys. How should I spend my time? I’m stuck in a rut because school and work are taking over my life. I feel like wasting any moment (simply because we are given so few) in any place but my happy place is a waste of life. But…don’t I need school to prosper? Shouldn’t I be spending my time preparing for a better future?

How do you find the balance?

Wallflowering on a close friend…

If there is a day that I don’t walk into our room and see you crying…that will be the day. You have so much pain to hide. How do you do it?

Sometimes I wish my words were more for you than an outsider’s gaze. I wish I could say, ” I understand,” and mean it.

You have been my learning experience and my support system. Not only have you been there all this time to guide me through…at the same time as guiding yourself…but you have managed to teach me everything about life without even drawing up one lesson plan.

I’ve never met a family more broken. Every day…I walk in…and you…as the responsible one…are taking care of your mother…or your brother…or your step dad…or your sister. You’re here…hours away…taking care of children who pose as adults.

They cry out against one another…and you always mediate. It’s almost like your mother’s lack of maturity…every ounce of it…was held back from her…and God decided to give it all to you from the day you graced the world with your presence.

It almost tried to keep you there with them…to be what they “need”.

You got out though. You had the strength to give them what they actually needed…and to give yourself a chance. You are here. And you will change the world.

The girl from the small city…the city that locks everyone in…you left. And here you are…in our nation’s capital. And you are winning.

You are gold…you are a God loving, country critiquing, beautifully strong-willed soul. I have more than faith in you and your future.

This is what the world needs more of…humans who come out of their heartbreak…and make life into meaning…and build themselves into the beautiful someone they are supposed to be. You have beat the odds. You are amazing.

And the world, in all its agony, needs your strength more than any medicinal cure. One day…you will be its revival.

Think …

So…I’m listening to Landslide by Fleetwood Mac (cliche and corny…I KNOW!). I’m just sitting here in my office…looking out the window…and using this beautiful song to invite old memories back home. Join me. Take a moment. Pick a nostalgic song and think about all the places you’ve seen and all the things you have done. Chances are…it will amaze you. I know thinking about how many moments I’ve experienced is enough to set my nostalgia buzzers off…let alone thinking about the content of those moments. Appreciate time. For what it has been…and for what it will continue to be until you have no more of it. Live in accordance with this indefinite continuance of life. You’ll never get that last second back. Care to share your moment or nostalgic song? Comment! I love you all. 🙂

Digital Witnesses

So…listen to this song by St. Vincent:

This song makes a VERY strong point about today’s society. “Digital witnesses. What’s the point of even sleeping if I can’t show it, if you can’t see me? Watch me jump right off the London Bridge.” Well…doesn’t that say something about our social media use?

I think it hits something spot on. Social media makes life almost pointless. We spend hours scrolling through pictures of “happy people” who, in reality, spent more time trying to get that picture than actually doing what they claim to be doing.

It creates a monster in us that whispers, “Why do it if no one can see you?”

Why go to the Grand Canyon if I can’t show the world I did? Why go to that dance? Why bother sleeping without that last good night snap so they can see how cute my pajamas are?

See what she is saying? Or at least…what I took from it. Wow.

What are all your thoughts?

Certain things

Certain things make me nostalgic without ever having known me before.

I know I’ve written about how nostalgia affects me already, but this new-ish experience kinda freaks me out.

In a summation, I’ve had “nostalgia attacks” where I am thrown into my past moments by a familiar scent, sight, or thought. These have started to make sense to me. I feel things very heavily and I yearn for the past. So naturally, when something reminds me of another moment I’ve already experienced and that I miss, my mind is violently transported from the present moment to one of my past. Almost to the point that I lose touch with where I currently am…my thoughts become a physical presence.

However, now I struggle with these “nostalgia attacks” that seemingly sprout from no where. I am drawn to another thought of another time or moment that I haven’t actually had.

For example, the other day I was on the Metro and I caught a whiff of some guy who walked by. My mind did its strange little thing…and my thoughts ran wild…but not in some expectant way. It was more like…I had an intimate remembrance of the scent. I remembered it from somewhere…but I am almost certain I’ve never smelled it before in my life.

Now…this could be labeled as deja vu, but it was more personal than that, I think. It was activating an actual memory that my brain thought I had, but there was no actual memory there.

Has anyone else experienced this? What do you think it means? Does it reflect some idea that we are connected with other’s in their memories? Could it be evidence of our “other life”? I’ve never really believed in those things…but what else could this mean? Any thoughts?

Tell me something about you…

So…I was intrigued the other day by another writer’s blog post compiled only of one sentence that turned the writing table on me. I’m interested in doing the same. I want to hear about you guys! Tell me something  random about you…or answer this: What is the driving force in your life and why?

Love you guys! I’m really interested in reading what you have to say!

“Sometimes to stay alive, you gotta kill your mind.”

This quote sung by Twenty-One Pilots has been on my mind a lot recently. I want to know exactly what they mean by it.

First, I must request you listen to the song:

After you do that, please tell me what is meant by the quote!

I was thinking that it might refer to the idea that thoughts are dangerous. Sometimes, when thoughts get to a certain scary point, maybe the best way to deal with them is to completely reject their existence. Is this really a healthy way for people to deal with a negative mindset?

I suppose it is better to survive than to let your thoughts take you over to a place of desiring death….but is that really okay? To ignore what your mind is bringing to you? What do you all think?

Fluff

Sometimes I

like to wonder

about the things

that fly around

my head.

They exist to flitter

and flutter

and to float around our

headspace…until

we have the gumption,

clear-sightedness,

and wisdom

to capture them in thought.

Nostalgia

Have you ever felt nostalgia hanging in the air so thick…it covers your mind with a fog? Has a scent…a piece of music…a good book…ever thrown you so quickly and violently into the past you feel as though the present never existed?

I have these moments a lot. I’ll be schlepping about…and then one of my senses will be ignited by a familiar touch, tone, sight, or smell. I become paralyzed in the moment…and I am transported to another time.

This just happened to me. “I Gave You All” by Mumford and Sons came up on my Playlist. My mind jumped directly to a moment I swore never to forget from a few years ago. Even though my body existed in the present time in my bed here at school, my mind and soul seemed in a different place entirely.

I felt as though I had actually flown back to a memory from home…to that beautiful night sitting on the porch, listening to Mumf and watching the sun go down. As I closed my eyes to better picture the moment, I could even smell the faint aroma of rain still lingering from the night before.

I couldn’t really tell you why this night was significant. Maybe its serenity struck my soul as an ideal. Maybe it’s all I ever wanted. I could have stopped there, and I would have been happy. Either way…a simple song brought me back there.

I wonder about nostalgia a lot…and I thank God for our amazing human ability to appreciate moments enough to store them as our own little keepsakes.