…and even writing those words is a realization to me.
It’s hard to accept the fact that anxiety actually exists. I’ve always been one of the doubters…oh anxiety? That can be fixed with some breathing strategy and repetitions of happy thoughts.
I was wrong. Anxiety is real…and I have been dealing with it for some time.
I started to feel dizzy at about 10:00 last night when we were watching Les Mis. I remembered at 9 PM mass that a family friend passed away a few years ago, and reality smacked me in the face: humans are fragile.
I tried to forget the weakness I started to feel in my own organs…and to forget all the deaths surrounding me. But…my stomach pressed on…almost as if I was about to perform…my stomach dropped lower and lower to the ground…and I could not breathe out of it this time. I couldn’t jam my toes into the ground to stabilize myself; nothing was working. The anxiety came at me with it’s own tidal force.
Eventually, I began to really hear my thoughts, “You are going to die…tonight.”
“They say people know when it is their time; is that what is happening to me?”
My roommate tried to calm me down…so I could sleep enough to wake up early and get my paper done…but nothing worked. I felt the ice enveloping my joints and lungs. I felt the blackness circling my eyes. I was either going to pass out or have a heart attack. It was that simple.
I began to freak out about all I hadn’t done in my life. “I have to call my parents…I have to call my boyfriend…I have to see Italy! I’m so young.” And here came the height of my anxiety.
This lasted for a few hours…until I called my dad and he calmed me down. Families are medicinal.
So…I can attest…anxiety is real. That statement may be more for me than for anyone else, but at least now I appreciate it’s sway.
Today is better. Hopefully, there will be sun.