Self confidence? 

It’s a weird thing, losing self esteem. I’m not really sure when it started.

When I was young, I remember bouts of happiness and inspiration…I remember thinking I could fly if I wanted to. Normally, I think youth generally encourages the opposite. I remember hearing stories of my middle school friends’ unhappiness and cries for help.  But I could hardly understand what on earth there was to be unhappy about; the sun was more or less ever shining on my days.

Recently, or to be honest, at some vague point over the past three years, I have found myself lost …or at least without a piece of my soul. Staring at the blank faces of people around me throws me into a sort of blankness of my own.

I’ve tried to diagnose it, as any good Hypochondriac…too much technology? Too much time with my boyfriend? Not enough time in the gym? I’ve also tried to treat all of these things.

But nothing works.

I walk around blankly with an ever-present judgemental eye. ‘Oh why does this person care about buying shoes so much?’ ‘What does it matter what color nail polish you want to wear?’ And I don’t know why my soul needs to ask these questions. It takes away from human connections…when I can’t empathize. Where has my empathy gone? Further, where has my self-confidence gone?

I feel anxious, angsty, and blank. I feel unable to enjoy and understand. World, what do I do?

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Learning about myself…

I’ve never been able to express want. My desires ebb and flow without my permission, but more often than not, I do not ebb with them. Some would call this patient control; me, I call it misguided self-sacrifice. 

An explanation…

Hi everybody! I totally have been neglecting my blogging…or at least…on this forum. I started a new blog about my trip to Roma (I’m studying abroad). Please feel free to follow my traveling blog! I’ve now been through Ireland and Paris…and there is plenty more to come! I would love your feedback and suggestions on places to go and things to see!

Ciao for now! See you on the other side…here’s the link:

https://astheromansdosite.wordpress.com/

Time…

We are limited.

We are given less than we need.

Time begins running out for each of us the moment we are conceived.

And I think that’s a beautiful thing.

But really…

How can we make the most of it?

As humans, we are naturally striving to better ourselves every day…for the next day.

But how will the next day ever come to exist if we are continuously forging a new idea of what the next day will be?

How can I appreciate taming the Appalachian Mountains if I’m forever looking upward toward the tip of Mount Everest?

I can’t see all that’s behind me if I never stop, turn around, and take a good, hard look back.

But looking eternally back and never preparing for the next hurdle is also problematic.

Because then I’ll never pass one…

In fact…the couch would probably keep me from learning what hurdles even are.

Help, guys. How should I spend my time? I’m stuck in a rut because school and work are taking over my life. I feel like wasting any moment (simply because we are given so few) in any place but my happy place is a waste of life. But…don’t I need school to prosper? Shouldn’t I be spending my time preparing for a better future?

How do you find the balance?

Wallflowering on a close friend…

If there is a day that I don’t walk into our room and see you crying…that will be the day. You have so much pain to hide. How do you do it?

Sometimes I wish my words were more for you than an outsider’s gaze. I wish I could say, ” I understand,” and mean it.

You have been my learning experience and my support system. Not only have you been there all this time to guide me through…at the same time as guiding yourself…but you have managed to teach me everything about life without even drawing up one lesson plan.

I’ve never met a family more broken. Every day…I walk in…and you…as the responsible one…are taking care of your mother…or your brother…or your step dad…or your sister. You’re here…hours away…taking care of children who pose as adults.

They cry out against one another…and you always mediate. It’s almost like your mother’s lack of maturity…every ounce of it…was held back from her…and God decided to give it all to you from the day you graced the world with your presence.

It almost tried to keep you there with them…to be what they “need”.

You got out though. You had the strength to give them what they actually needed…and to give yourself a chance. You are here. And you will change the world.

The girl from the small city…the city that locks everyone in…you left. And here you are…in our nation’s capital. And you are winning.

You are gold…you are a God loving, country critiquing, beautifully strong-willed soul. I have more than faith in you and your future.

This is what the world needs more of…humans who come out of their heartbreak…and make life into meaning…and build themselves into the beautiful someone they are supposed to be. You have beat the odds. You are amazing.

And the world, in all its agony, needs your strength more than any medicinal cure. One day…you will be its revival.

Think …

So…I’m listening to Landslide by Fleetwood Mac (cliche and corny…I KNOW!). I’m just sitting here in my office…looking out the window…and using this beautiful song to invite old memories back home. Join me. Take a moment. Pick a nostalgic song and think about all the places you’ve seen and all the things you have done. Chances are…it will amaze you. I know thinking about how many moments I’ve experienced is enough to set my nostalgia buzzers off…let alone thinking about the content of those moments. Appreciate time. For what it has been…and for what it will continue to be until you have no more of it. Live in accordance with this indefinite continuance of life. You’ll never get that last second back. Care to share your moment or nostalgic song? Comment! I love you all. 🙂

So…I had an anxiety attack last night…

…and even writing those words is a realization to me.

It’s hard to accept the fact that anxiety actually exists. I’ve always been one of the doubters…oh anxiety? That can be fixed with some breathing strategy and repetitions of happy thoughts.

I was wrong. Anxiety is real…and I have been dealing with it for some time.

I started to feel dizzy at about 10:00 last night when we were watching Les Mis. I remembered at 9 PM mass that a family friend passed away a few years ago, and reality smacked me in the face: humans are fragile.

I tried to forget the weakness I started to feel in my own organs…and to forget all the deaths surrounding me. But…my stomach pressed on…almost as if I was about to perform…my stomach dropped lower and lower to the ground…and I could not breathe out of it this time. I couldn’t jam my toes into the ground to stabilize myself; nothing was working. The anxiety came at me with it’s own tidal force.

Eventually, I began to really hear my thoughts, “You are going to die…tonight.”

“They say people know when it is their time; is that what is happening to me?”

My roommate tried to calm me down…so I could sleep enough to wake up early and get my paper done…but nothing worked. I felt the ice enveloping my joints and lungs. I felt the blackness circling my eyes. I was either going to pass out or have a heart attack. It was that simple.

I began to freak out about all I hadn’t done in my life. “I have to call my parents…I have to call my boyfriend…I have to see Italy! I’m so young.” And here came the height of my anxiety.

This lasted for a few hours…until I called my dad and he calmed me down. Families are medicinal.

So…I can attest…anxiety is real. That statement may be more for me than for anyone else, but at least now I appreciate it’s sway.

Today is better. Hopefully, there will be sun.

Somebody tell me what life is all about…

…and try to refrain from the happiness answer. I’m struggling trying to add meaning to my life…and I need something more substantial than “to be happy.”

Where do I go? What should I do? What am I doing wrong? How can I find my purpose and what exactly is the point of being on this earth?

I certainly know hardly anyone can answer this with certainty. Just…someone give me something to think about or do…